Ana Nixon: Redemption
by souldancegirl
Summary: This is story of Ana Nixon. A once lover and a mother. She had everything. Love and life until it all was lost. Taken away. Until the day she saved the lost child. The day she meet Jane Shepard. She promised to make it right.
1. Chapter 1

Someone once told me that once you see your child in your arms; you fall in love all over again.

When I held my child in my arms; I cried tears of joy. She was so tiny and small, she cried so loud that my love said she was going to be a loud one. When I looked at her lovely blue eyes just like my love, her dark hair just like my own. Everything ells was all my love. She was our baby. She was our little bird. Our Aderyn.

The day we spend on taking care of her and raising her was the happiest day of our life.

Even thought I was a soldier in Alliance, like my mother and my grandmother. I fallowed my mother footsteps. Never once did I think I would lose my other half of my soul. Never once did I think I will be a single mother raising my child. Never once did I think that my love will never come home.

When I heard that my love was killed. My heart broke. My minds become numb. I didn't want to believe that. Not until I saw for myself. They told me that better if I will not see, but I didn't care.

When I saw the body, everything inside of me becomes hallow, I remember screaming and falling to my knees. I remember how I was asking how it happened and who had done this. No one answered me. They couldn't. They didn't know.

I remember walking inside our home, seeing my little girl drawing a picture.

How do I say that her other mother will not be coming back. I remember when she showed me the picture she draws. She said "Look mom! This is me and this is you and mother and also my little brother. Can I get a little brother mom?" She asked me, looking so happy.

I remember falling to my knees in front of my child. I remember hugging her close. She was such a sweet child. I remember crying and she was saying that everything is going to be okay. I looked at her and her eyes, her blue eyes just like my lovers.

I remember telling her, telling her that her mother went away. She asked "When will she be coming back?" I told her, "Your mommy won't be coming back; she went to the place where people needed her. You know your mother always needed to protect others from bad people. Right now she is protecting them."

My child looked at me with tears in her eyes. "Will I see her again?"

My heart broke all over again. I hugged her close. "One day we will."

My girl hugged me all over again. I know that I need to be strong. I need to become stronger.

I looked after my child, as much as I could. I was still in Alliance. I was still a soldier. I was still fighting.

I tried to stay strong for my family. I saw my child grow up; she was already 9 years old.

That day I was on mission, on my baby birthday I was away. I promised to be back on her birthday. But I couldn't. I promised her that I will be back and bring a big present to her.

After our mission that was a success. My commander asked for me. I remember how I walked into his office. He was facing the window, looking at the stars. I remember how he asked me to sit down. Something in his voice worried me. Yet I didn't do as he asked me. I stayed standing.

When he turned around and in his eyes were pain. I didn't know why. My heart started to beat faster. I remember his mouth moving, yet I didn't hear a thing he said. I know how to read lips. So even without his saying I know.

I know. Something happened. I remember him calling my name, but all I saw was my child face. She was gone. Someone took her.

My child was gone.

Missing they said.

Missing.

Gone.

I remember hearing screaming, yet I didn't know who it was. Until I felt warm and strong arms wrap around me, rocking me. I remember hitting something, or someone.

I remember how they said that they will find her.

That Commander promised he will help find her.

They will find her.

All I felt was despair. My world was gone. Everything I loved was gone. Then I felt only anger, rage. Someone took my child. They dared to take her away from her mother. It will be they last mistake they will ever make.

She will find her.

She will find her child and those who took her. And then she will kill them. She will kill those who had hurt her baby.

They woke a demon in side of her.

The Demon

I remember I was still staying with the Alliance, still a soldier.

I remember our Mission.

A rescue.

Mindoir.

I remember walking around the corpses of people killed there. Parents. Not a single child.

Slavers.

Her rage only grows as she walked by those corpses. Her hatred grows.

Then she saw something to her left. She walked closer, and then she heard the sound. Sound of broken soul.

She bends down to her knees and looked inside the small hall.

She saw blue eyes. For a moment she saw her child face. Until she saw the red hair and frighten blue eyes.

Something clicked.

She remembers how she called to her squad. Telling them that she found a survivor.

She remembers telling the girl that she will not hurt her.

She helped the girl and felt how the girl hugged her, heard her cry.

She tried to calm her down. She hugged her close.

Her mother instinct was still alive inside of her. So she used that.

The girl in her arms calmed down.

Her squad mates told her that there were no more survivors.

Only this girl.

I remember asking the girl.

"What's your name sweetheart?" Gentle. I was gentle. Some days I forget that I can be that way.

The girl looked into my eyes. Her eyes locked with my own green ones.

"Shepard. Jane Shepard."

I remember smiling softly at her. I saw that how her eyes brighten as she saw me smiling softly at her, she may have lost everything, yet there was still fire in her eyes. This girl was a survivor.

I remember looking inside these girl blue eyes. A small flame flared inside of my heart. A flame of hope that I though was lost.

"My name is Ana. Lieutenant Ana Nixon."

I held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but God has placed me this girl in my hands. Maybe this time, everything will be different.

This time she will protect this girl, so like her and yet is not.

This time she will not fail.

This time everything will be different.

That she swear on her name.

This story will be of my failure and my redemption.

This is my Redemption.

* * *

AN: Don't forget Reviews. Love you guys. :D


	2. Chapter 2

For a long time I watched over Shepard. I watched how she enlisted in Alliance, I watched her though her training.

I saw how she changed in front of me. She had lost everyone she loved just like I did. But unlike me, she didn't want to get revenge. No, she wanted to protect people, so that they will not have to go through the same thing as her.

I remember how one day, My Commander told me that I'm ranked up to Lieutenant-Commander. I felt pride in my work, yet at the same time I always thought that I don't deserve it.

Some part of me was afraid that if I leave I will lose my way. I'm a soldier, my duty is to Alliance, yet sometimes I wonder if it worth it.

Yet I might have lost everything I cared about. All I have right now is my duty. But will it be enough?

I didn't know. My hatred grows more and more as time went by. Not a single day I didn't think about my baby. What fate fall upon her. On who has taken her from me?

Sometimes when I look at Jane Shepard, I wonder if my baby would have fallowed my own footsteps. Would she become a soldier? Or maybe she would have liked the calm life?

I remember watching Shepard closely and from a distance. Because I was sure that she wouldn't have remembered me. How wrong I was.

One day when I visited my Commander, we bumped into each other's. I was surprised to see Jane Shepard there. When she saw me, her blue eyes widen in surprise and soon she saluted me. I could help but smile at her.

"At ease soldier," I said to her. Jane blinked her blue eyes and rubbed her neck in awkward moment.

"I'm sorry for bumping into you Lieutenant-Commander." Jane said softly, her blue eyes looking straight into my own. My heart couldn't help but squeeze in my chest. Her eyes reminded me of my child.

"It's alright." I said softly. Jane watched me closely. "It's been a long time Jane. How have you been?" Jane was surprised that I remembered the first time we meet.

"You remember?" she asked me. I grinned at her.

"How could I forget? I watched you Jane." I said to her softly, my eyes soften as I looked at her. Jane blushed as she ducked her head to hide the blush.

"Oh. I saw you a few times, but I didn't think you would remember ma'am." She said softly. I smiled at her my white teeth showing.

"There is no need for that. Call me Ann." I said, smiling slightly.

"Only if you call me Jane." She said to me. I nodded my head.

"Alright. So where are you off to?" I asked her. Jane looked surprised and blinked her eyes, before her eyes widen and she looked at the time.

"Oh god! I'm late for my training! I'm sorry but I have to run. Maybe we can meet up latter?" She asked me while she side stepped around me.

I smiled at her. "I would like that. I'll give you a call. Now go before you are really late for training soldier!" I said with stern voice.

"YES ME'AM!" And soon she was gone.

We had met few times. After she was busy with training. And I was busy with my missions and my search for my child. Yet there was no trace of her anywhere. Most have given up on the search. They looked at me with pity in their eyes. And I hated them for it. I didn't want the pity. All I wanted was my child.

I keep a close eye on Shepard as she went up in her career. Time went by. We become closer; sometimes I trained her, and watched her as she did her missions.

Soon she was old and she soon becomes a War Hero. While I ranked up in Alliance, to Captain. The Alliance wanted me to fly my own ship. There was a long discussion about it.

I known that if I get my own ship, I will be able to fly and search for my child, to go to places I couldn't in someone ells place. So once the decision was made they started on building my own ship. I felt that unease, yet I didn't know why.

I felt hope that I would be able search more ground for my child, find new people who can keep an eye out.

While my ship was being prepared, I stayed on a Ground team. I looked at the dossier to find a suitable crew, Admiral Hackett already found some people. All of them were human. But I needed those that I know. People I can trust.

So when I thought of taking Shepard into my crew. Admiral didn't let me, since Anderson already got to her first and took her under his wing.

I felt sorrow when I heard that. I didn't know about this and felt angry. I know I should feel this way since Shepard was her own person and make her own choices. Anderson is a good man. He will take care of her.

And they can still chat on intercom.

As more time went by and my ship was already ready for takeoff. The Alliance called the ship SSV Raven.

I stood at the bridge on my ship, when I heard my XO voice cut though my earpiece.

"_Captain you got a call. It's From Shepard_" said a woman voice in my ear.

"Patch her throw" I said and walked to the conference room to privately speak to Jane.

"_Ann, it good to see you." Jane smiled at her._

"Jane. How are you?" I said softly.

"_Good. I heard you taking off on your new ship. I just wanted to congratulate you and wish you a safe journey." Jane smiled softly at her, I couldn't help but grin at her._

"Thank you. I'm sure you'll get your own ship one day. How Anderson been treating you?" I could help but ask.

"_He's good. Though I would liked to go with you._" Jane rubbed back of her neck nervously.

"Maybe one day you will. You will go long way Jane. I know you will." I said softly at her and smiled warmly. Jane coughed in her hand and looked away.

"_Thanks. It's going to be long run." She said softly. _

"It will be. I need to go now. Take care of yourself. Don't get killed and that an order." I said with commanding tone. Jane smirked and saluted me.

"Aye Aye Ma'am!"

"Good." I turned to switch of the comm. Jane said sharply.

"Ann…be careful and stay safe." I locked eyes with her, and saw concern there. I felt happy to know that she feel concerned about me.

"Understood." Then the connection disappeared.

For a while I felt hope bloom in my chest. I thought that I will find my child this time for sure.

But never once did I think that there will be geth coming to our doors.

I was wrong.

The life is never that easy.

The life of soldier is never easy.

The soldier life is his battle ground.

Anyone who has ever looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war.

Soldiers must know what he is fighting for.

There is no meaning if he doesn't have anything worth fighting for.

Some might break; some don't know what war truly is.

All you have to do is hold first soldier, be it family or a lover who is dying in your arms, and have that terribly futile feeling that I can't do anything about it…then you understand the horror of the war.

Just like I did.

But they are not human.

They don't feel.

They just take orders and fallow them.

And Sometimes I wonder.

How are we different?

Soldier are not heroes.

They are killers.

Even though we fight to protect people that are dear to us.

We still are monsters.

Just different ones.

Sometimes I think the real monsters are us.

Humans.

We have flaws.

We make mistakes.

And for those mistakes we pay.


	3. Chapter 3

Sometime I wondered if our Fate is already set in stone. Sometimes I wondered if there will be peace in our future.

I remember when I was in my quarters writing a report on Zhu's Hope colony. It's been a while since I heard from Jane, but I did have a massage from her telling me she going for Eden Prime.

At first I thought why they would go there. I had known that Anderson and Alliance want to make Shepard an Specter. And if I was right the mission they are on probably will prove her capabilities for Spectre status.

I hope that everything would go well with her. I was happy for her, she become a splendid soldier, and a beautiful woman.

No matter how much time I saw her, she always reminded me of my child. My friends sometime tell me that I look at her like she is my child. But she isn't.

I known that what they say is true, some part of me, wished for my child, to be just like Jane Shepard.

I knew that I shouldn't feel this way. No matter how strong I am, I still weep for my lost child, and sometime wonder if she is alive.

When I see parent and a child together, memories sometime take me back. And I try to stop. Stop myself from crying, stop myself from feeling.

Stop myself from hating them.

Sometimes I feel like I am a monster for feeling that way.

On the battle ground, I fight like a woman possessed. I enjoy the scream of death, the way I feel my battle lust. The way my rage takes over me. The way I take all of my anger and hate on my enemy.

I can feel the fear.

When enemy cower in fear from me. I feel good.

Some oven calls me the Green Emerald.

Because of my eyes, that always the last thing they see when they die.

When they call me that, sometimes I laugh.

When I was reading reports I got a call in my earpiece.

"_Captain, there is a call for you. It's From Captain Anderson_."

I shifted in my chair, and blinked my green eyes. I wondered why he would call me. Some part of me feared that something happen to Jane.

"Thanks Megs. Patch him throw." I walked out of my quarters and went to conference room to take the call.

"_Captain. Long time no see." Anderson said as he took me in. _

"Anderson. What's going on?" I said, my voice held edge in it. I crossed my arm around my chest.

"_Straight to business then. Eden Prime got attacked." He said shifting his weight on his left feet. _

"What do you mean attacked? What about Shepard?" I asked, my voice was hard, my eyes narrowed.

"_It's was Geth." He said rubbing his neck. _

"Why would Geth attack the colony? It makes no sense." I paced around the room, trying to get what was going on, there was hole in the picture. And the fact that He didn't said anything about Shepard started to angry me.

"_It was Saren who lead them. He was after the beacon." He sighed as he told the secret information._

"Saren? The Spectre? Why was he there?" I asked. I didn't know the full detail of the mission.

"_Yes, he killed another Spectre Naihlus, who was with us as Shepard and her squad tried to secure it." He said, knowing that he was telling her the part where she was going to get angry._

"I see. What of Shepard? And the Beacon?" I asked him while taking a sit on one of the chair in the room.

"_The Beacon was destroyed. Shepard was knocked out while trying to get one of her squad mate away from it. Right now she is unconscious." He said gravely. _

My heart squeezed in my chest. My features were still hard. I felt angry for a moment. _The idiot of her squad mate probably activated it, and she tried to get him or her away from it, and got in cross fire. I hope she will punish the marine who touched the beacon. _I took a deep breath and counted to ten and breathed out. _ I will need to meditate after all this._

"Where are you off to now?" I asked thinking about joining them and making sure that Jane was alright.

"_Back to the Citadel. The Council will want to know. You probably would want to check on Shepard while we there." He said softly. _

"You do understand that the Council will not believe you that one of their best Spectre went rogue do you?" I said, looking him in the eye as I stood up from the chair and walked closer.

"_We have to try. He can't go unpunished." He said angrily. _

"They will need prove that he was behind the attack." I said, rubbing the back of my neck.

"_Then we will find it. But I will hope for the best. I still need to ask Shepard when she come to." He said while looking away._

There was silence between us for a while. I didn't have any mission right now and for a few days. So I could go back and get some R&amp;R for my team. Since it was a long month of full missions and search.

"I was thinking of going back to Citadel for some R&amp;R. I also need to get some of report back to Alliance. I can meet you at the docks." I said calmly. Though inside I was feeling happy, that I would be able to see Jane again.

"_We should meet before the meeting start. Maybe have dinner together?" He said softly while smiling at me, his eyes sparkle. _

"My, are you hitting on me Captain?" I asked, a teasing tone in my voice. I remember that after my love death, Anderson was the one who was always there. I will be forever thankful to him for his support. We even fight together. I know I owe him at least a dinner.

"_Only if it working. So how about it?" He asked hopefully. _

"Alright." I said , laughing softly at him.

"_Good. Ah it seems that my XO is awake." He said happily at me. _

"Good luck. And don't tell her you told me. I want to see her face when we meet." I grinned at him.

"_Understood. Anderson out." He laughed as he was cut off. _

I shook my head. I could help but grin. I looked up and said.

"Raymond. Take us to Citadel." I said as I walked out of conference room and to the bridge. I stood behind my pilot, who was an British woman with dark hair and dark skin, with black hair and brown eyes.

"Yes ma'am. Are we going for the upgrades that Alliance promised us?" The pilot asked, looking over her shoulder her brown eyes sparkle.

I smirked and placed a hand on the pilot chair. "Only if Council agrees." I looked out of the window at the stars.

The pilot rolled her eyes as she turned back to the console. "With all due respect ma'am, Fuck the Council. Let's just go and get the upgrades." She said with slight sarcasm in her voice.

"You want to make us thief Flight-Lineament? Or do you want to spend your time I jail and wipe the floor?" Said my XO as she walked up to me.

"Oh screw you blue face" My pilot showed her the finger.

"Sorry, you're not my type." Answered the XO back. I could help but laugh as I saw the pilot blush. My XO could help but smirk in satisfaction.

Some part of my life, where I can still laugh and feel happy is this bridge.

The bridge that I build up.

The friends behind my back.

For a few moments I can find peace.

A peace that I though long gone.

But I know that this peace will not last for long.

Everything will change.

There will be more battle.

More blood.

More Death.

And once more the Darkness in me will come to light.

The people that I love will have to fight.

Fight for life.

Fight for the future.

For the peace that is so far away.


	4. Chapter 4

I always wondered how my child will look like when she will grow up. Will she be more like me or my other half?

There were so many things I wanted to teach her, show her. And now I can't.

I was in my quarters looking at my colon on my neck with my child picture in it. No matter how much I had prayed to God to give me a sigh that she was still alive. He did not hear my plea, and stay silent.

My despair grows as did my anger, my rage.

"_Captain, we are getting closer to the Citadel_." My XO voice comes through my earpiece. I closed my colon and sighed.

"Understood," I said softly back, there was silence before XO voice comes back.

"_Also the Doctor asked for you to see her in Med Bay_" I could help but groan. I never like checkups.

"I'm on my way." I said as I stood up and left my quarters. I walked to the med bay and saw Doctor Ada Larson watching me walking in.

"Doc, you wanted to see me?" I asked, standing in front of her. The Doctor smiled.

"Yes. I wanted to ask if we can get some medi-gel reassures since we are getting low." She said frowning slightly. I nodded my head.

"Yes, I believe we can. Is this all?" I asked, wanting to get out of here fast. I never liked Doctors.

"Actually I need to run a scan on you. So stay still." Doc said flashing her omni-tool around me. I stood in military pose, hands behind my back. I raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing is wrong with me is there?" I asked my voice calm.

"No, but you are stressed. You should relax Captain; I'm not going to eat you. Your probably don't taste good." She joked while closing her omni-tool. I couldn't help but smile.

"That's hurt doc." I faked a hurt look. She laughed and shooed me away.

While I was walking I saw my XO walking up to me a data pad in her hands. She was an asari, one of my old friends.

"Captain. You got a minute?" She asked me, coming to stand in front of me.

"What is it?" I asked lightly, she showed me the data pad.

"We need to upgrade our ship, Captain. Our barriers are weak, and the skin of our ship is to thin, if we crash…well it will be very catastrophic. Our guns need a lot of calibrating, and our mass core need more power." She said showing the upgrade we need.

"To repair our ship will take months." I said rubbing the back of my neck.

"I believe waiting month is worth it. If we won't get them, the ship will blow up if we get attacked." She said.

"Alright. Tress makes sure we get the upgrade we need. Gets the Tech working on our ship? Make sure to add shields around out guns so enemy won't be able to take them out so fast. Also make sure our guns have the massive power to take out the big ships. Take a team with you if you have to." I said clicking few buttons on the data pad, before giving it back to her.

"Roger that!" she saluted me before walking away.

"_Captain we're at the Citadel."_ Said the Daisy Raymond, thought intercom.

"Roger that. Tell the crew they can have some R&amp;R, while our ship getting the upgrades. We are going to stay here for a while." I said walking through the bridge. Raymond stood up from her chair, and walked with me through the doors.

"Got a hot data Cap'n?" She asked me, while elbowing me in the ribs. I rolled my eyes and hit her on the arms.

"No, just some business to take care of." I said calmly, Raymond blinked her brown eyes at me.

"Yeah right. I don't believe you." She said rolling her eyes.

I laughed at her as we parted ways. I walked through the docks and saw Normandy docked there.

I could help but smirk as I stood in front of the doors. I wondered what kind of face will Jane make when she see me.

The doors opened and in walked Anderson and behind him, Shepard with two of her squads mates. One that she knows as Kaiden Alenko, the other was a woman she never seen before, she was dressed in white armor.

She saw Anderson taking notice of her and grin showed on his face. When Jane saw her, her blue eyes widen in chock and her mouth opened in surprise. The two behind couldn't help but be confused.

Anderson walked up to her, and shook her hand. "Ann, I see you got here first. Did you wait long?" He asked her warmly. I turned to him, my face calm and collected.

"Anderson, not really." I turned my gaze to Jane who was still watching me, in her blue eyes she saw a shadow of worry pass. Anderson looked at me then at Jane before turning to Jane.

"I'll wait for you at the Udina's office." Then he left.

I watched him walk away before turning to Jane. She still looked at me.

"Jane…" I said softly. Jane turned her head to her squad mates and told them to go with Anderson.

When they left, it was only me and Jane standing there. Jane face was pale, her eyes were sad.

"I'm sorry…" Jane said softly looking away from me, her hair hide her eyes from my view. I walked closer and hugged her closely. My heart squeezed in my chest, as I hug her. Her warm took my breath, and I could feel my tears, I blinked them away, and whispered in her ear.

"It's alright. You did everything you could." I said softly in her ear, gently stroking her hair. Her arms around me tighter. We stood there hugging for a few moments. I pulled away and looked in her eyes, and could help but smile as I still saw the fire in them.

"Come, walk with me. Tell me everything." We started walking, and she told me about the Spectre Nihlus, the death of Jankins, finding Williams, finding Nihlus dead. Telling me about the beacon, and the vision she saw.

I listened closely, and her word about the vision took my breath away.

I know what it all meant.

War.

The fate is a cruel thing.

Will they have to lose everything again?

Will she have to lose everything again?

Will I lose everything in this war?

Why can't they have peace?

Will there even be one?

She could feel the rage growing inside of her.

The war no one wanted.

The war where they loved one will die.

Again.

Will she have to fall again?

Saren has made his first move.

Now it's our turn to make one.

She knows that it won't be without the sacrifices.

She already failed twice.

This time, she will not fail.

This time she will fight.

She will let the Monster out.

She will not let anyone ells die on her watch.

Not Again.

Not Ever.

This time she will do it right.

She will be by Shepard side.

She wasn't there for her child.

Yet she can be there for Shepard.

No more will she waste time for hate and regrets.

She will give all of her to her duty.

Her heart might be broken, yet her spirit is still alive.

She will let her rage out on them.

She is a soldier.

And as a soldier she will fight for what she hold dear.

She will fight.

Fight for humanity.

Fight for her friends.

Fight for herself.

Fight for her lost child.

Fight for her future.

Fight for Shepard.


	5. Chapter 5

I know that Jane will need all the help she can get. So when I told her that I believe her she was quite surprised to hear that.

"You believe me?" She asked me, her blue eyes widen. I could help but smile at her, and gently take her hand and stroke it.

"I do. Right now you need to go to Udina's office. I'll still need a few things I need to do. But I want you to remember that I'm always on your side." I said confidently. She could help but smile softly.

"You were from the start." She said, I nodded my head and told her to get going, and if she need anything to contract me.

When she was out of sight, I left for Alliance HQ.

After I talked with Alliance about the new upgrades for my ship, they told me that it will take a while to get it done.

I known that my ship will be docked for a while, and it seems that I would have time to prepare myself for a long journey.

But I know that I need to be with Jane. To fight for her and be by her side as she promised herself she would.

So when I got a massage from Anderson asking her to meet up with him at one of restaurant close by. I felt lucky. I know if I ask him to let me go with Jane on her mission.

When I got there I was really surprised to hear him asking me to go with Shepard. Inside I couldn't help but smile, but I managed to shield my features and not let it show in my face. I couldn't help but ask.

"Why me?" He looked at me in the eyes and raised an eyebrow. He took a bit of his food and slowly swallowed.

"You're her guardian and a mother figure. With you there, she will feel more sure of herself. Also she might need you more than me Ann." He said it softly, his brawn eyes warm.

I narrowed my eyes at him as I felt that he wasn't telling me everything. My green eyes widen as I got the full picture.

"It's about your past with Seran isn't it?" I saw him sigh in frustration.

"Yeah, the Council didn't believe Shepard about him attacking the colony without proof. So now Shepard finding the evidence."

I took a bite of my food as I thought about it all. I felt happy knowing I will be in the front of battle.

Although my heart squeezed in my chest when he said that I'm acting like as if I'm her mother. My child face come to my mind as I tried to hide the pain from showing in my eyes.

Everyone know that I was the one who sighed the papers for being Shepard's guardian. But I didn't want Shepard to know.

She reminds me of my child so much that it's hurts.

But I know that nothing last forever. When Shepard joined the Alliance she would find about it.

But for some reason she didn't or maybe she did; just didn't tell me, or asked me about it.

I didn't know what ever feel happy or disappointed about it.

"I'll do it." I said to Anderson who smiled at me.

"I know you would." He grinned at me, and I could help but feel I was manipulated somehow, but I didn't care, we both got what we wanted after all.

For a while we talked and eat our food. Soon we parted ways, Anderson was a really gentleman, he even paid for my food. It not everywhere you can find someone like him. He was polite and charming. But I wasn't ready to start dating; the wound was just too deep.

We parted ways soon after. I went to inform my crew about me going away for a while, they didn't like it but understood that it have to be that way.

And they still need to upgrade our ship and to check on how it will go with the upgrades.

I left my XO as the one who will command the crew while I was gone.

When I was walking though the dock to where Normandy was docked, I heard about Jane Shepard becoming a Spectre. I felt so happy that I bust out laughing all the way to the Normandy.

Jane Shepard the first human Spectre.

I known that Shepard will go a long way.

I believed that she would come a long way.

And she did.

I know that the mission had already started.

The hunt has already started.

And out pray will not see us coming.

And he would pay for what he did.

She would make sure of that.

The time has come

To stay and fight.

He won't be able to get away from everything he has done.

He will have to pay.

And pay he will.

It's time for them to take their stand.

It's time to fight.

Time to let her anger out.

To let out her rage on her enemies.

To take her gun and shoot.

To become a Monster.

And to fight for Shepard.

The woman worth fighting for.

* * *

AN: YEs I know a short one. I got busy with some of my work, so I'll try and write a longer one's I promise.


	6. Chapter 6

I always knew that Jane was a natural born leader. Not many people have that fire in them. Jane was never quick to judgment, always considered every angle first, and she was above all compassionate in her ways. When it came to the tasks she always pushed herself to the limits. Through her example her team pushed themselves too, and that's why they always won.

I could see that Jane was glue that held them all together.

When I joined the Alliance I was not as nice as the others members were. I used brute force to make them respect me. But love always changes a person. I changed when I meet my love. Or was it that she was the one who changed me?

I looked around my office that Anderson kindly made my own. The black surface of my desk was equally uncluttered: black chair, several stacks of data pads, floor to ceiling books heft, a bed, books leaning against one another different directions, a computer and a framed photograph of beautiful asari.

I was reading the data on Liara T'soni when Jane walked through my doors. I looked away from the data and looked up at her.

I laid down the data pad on my desk. "Jane is there something I can help you with?"

Jane sat down on the chair by my desk, soft smile on her face, her blue eyes that always remind me of my child, sparkling. "Just want to talk."

I nodded my head and relaxed in my seat. "Sure. What do you want to talk about?"

Jane looked at me and asked. "I heard rumors that you declined the promotion to Major. Why is that?"

I sighed softly as I looked away to the photograph on my desk. "I was honored to know that they wanted to rank me up. But I wasn't ready for it. I still have a lot way to go. I told them that I won't accept it until I was ready."

Jane looked at the photo that was on my desk, and then looked back to me. "I'm sure you are ready, you would make a great Major."

I glanced back at her, and then back at the photo on my desk "Maybe." We sat there in complete silence, before Jane asked about the photo.

"Who is that on the photo?"

I took the photo in my hand and gazed at it, "My wife." I saw Jane eyes widen from the corner of my eye and could help but smirk.

"Where is she now?" Jane asked softly and carefully.

"She was killed." I could barely say, I could feel my emotion inside of me that I had locked down hard in order to be able to do my job. It made her softer, more vulnerable. Yet it was what keep her going, the pain, and anger.

I felt a strong arm laid on my own; I looked up at Jane and saw a gentle smile on her face.

"I'm sorry. I know what it's like to lose a loved one." She said softly. I knew that she understands. Yet at the same time she didn't, she didn't want to revenge.

I just nodded my head at her, not been able to say anything at all. The wound was still too deep. It still hurt too much.

I changed the subject, "I got something for you Commander, I believe I got the location of protean ruins on Therum in the Knossos system of the Artemis Tau Cluster where T'soni might be at." I saw Jane sitting straight. I took the data pad I was studying and showed it to her. "Therum have lots of volcanic activity. So my advice take the Mako, and do not go in contact with the molten lava, the Mako cannot survive even a brief contact with it." I saw Jane narrowed eyes and could feel the air change around us. Right now this was not a Jane in my office but a Commander. I could help but be proud of her.

"Do we know what we will face there?" Commander asked her voice stern.

"I believe there would be Geth. Since Saren want T'soni, he probably will send for her capture." I said calmly, thinking of the reasons why they would want T'soni_. Something to do with the beacon probably_…

"Understood. I will gather the crew." Jane stood from her seat with data pad in hand and smiled at me.

"Thank you An. For the talk and the info." With those words she left.

I shook my head and said out loud. "Joker get us to the Therum." I hear the reply.

_Aye aye Cap'n. ITA 4 hours. _

I looked at my terminal and went to write the report to Anderson. _I wonder what he doing right now? Probably drinking his ass up! I should check on my crew back at the Citadel. _

After I did my report, I went out to check on the crew, as I walked out of my office, I saw Kaiden Alenko calibrating close by. I narrowed my eyes as I remember from the report that Anderson gave me this was the man who walked up to the Beacon. I walked up to him, setting my features into a hard mask, my eyes narrow, and my voice stern.

"Lieutenant, can I have a moment of your time?" I asked calmly. Alenko turned around and when he saw me, he straightens up and saluted me.

"Ma'am, what can I do for you?" He asked his voice loud, he still in saluting stance.

"At ease Lt. I just want to ask you about the accident on Eden Prime. I believe you were the one who got close to the beacon?" I saw him gulp as he shifted nervously in front of me.

"Yes Ma'am!" He answered back.

"May I ask if Commander gave you a direct order not to get close to the beacon?" I asked him, raising one eyebrow at him.

"She did Ma'am." He answered back in hurry. I took a deep breath and said sternly.

"So why did you decide not to fallow that order?" I watched him closely. If I believe right he was a Biotic which LT2 implants.

"I was curious so I went closer to take look at the beacon." He said back, his voice soft, his eyes showed the shame.

"Did you understand that your curiosity could endanger your crew? You are a soldier, your duty is to serve and fallow orders, not to be fascinate with the Beacon like a child. Not only you didn't follow orders, because of your action your Commander got herself hurt because you didn't fallow her orders!" I saw him hung his head and look down at the floor.

"I'm sorry Ma'am…"

I felt a spark of anger flare inside of me. I narrowed my eyes to slits and said with a voice cold as ice.

"I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to stop your being a love stuck fool and be a professional marine, who does they duty and _improve." _I saw his eyes widen in shock as he blushed in shame.

"Yes Ma'am." He saluted me.

"Do not let another mistake like that Marine. Do you understand?" I asked coldly, my eyes locked into his own, I could feel his fear waving of him as he nodded his head.

"Understood. Ma'am!" I nodded my head as I turned to walk away.

I could feel my anger fading slowly, as I walked up to the elevator I saw Chakwas from the corner of my eyes watching me, I locked my gaze with her own, and saw the amusement in her eyes. I could help but roll my eyes as I saw her smile. _Ugh…I should have known that old_ _crow would be watching me…I would need to have a talk with her soon. _

The elevator doors closed and I was finally alone.

Alone a word I would describe myself.

Sometimes she feels like it was her fate.

She was always left behind.

She always watched others walk away from her.

Had been taken away from her.

Be it duty or death.

She always loses those that are important to her.

Be it lover or a child.

Be it a friend or a colleague.

She was always watching.

Watching, praying.

Fighting and loving.

But will it be enough?

She stood there in the dark, and from a corner of her eye, one tear fall.

Before it could fall, I caught it in my hand.

No matter, she won't let it fall.

She won't let herself fall.

Fall into a dark abyss that always waiting for her close behind.

In the dark elevator, only glowing ice cold eyes watched the door.

The doors of her dark cadge.

A cadge she will never be free from.

* * *

**AN : Sorry guys for being so long with this chap. But don't worry I'm still here and still waiting for your reviews :)) Anna turn to descipline Marines XD **


	7. Chapter 7

I was writing a report to Anderson, before I felt the ship shaking like a leaf. I started running towards the bridge.

"What's going on Joker?" I asked him looking at the monitor.

"The volcanic activity, it's going of the charge." Joker said back.

I already wanted to ask him to patch in Shepard, but heard her voice, asking Joker to hurry up and get them. I sighed in relief.

"You herd the Commander. Do it nice and easy." I watched how Shepard and the crew were running towards the shaft. For a moment, a single moment I couldn't breathe. Until, I saw Shepard jump inside.

"Good work, Joker. I'll get the conference room ready." I walked towards the conference room.

I walked up to the elevator and went to the Cargo hold where Jane was at the moment. The way down was slow. Someone really needs to repair those elevators. When the doors opened I stepped out, and saw Jane striping of her armor.

I walked up to her and she saw me and Jane was smiling. The corners of her mouth lift up into a smile and it hurts because the cut on her swelling lip but I could see she didn't care. Even I smiled despite myself. She wore what she clearly though was a winning smile.

I took in her disbelieved appearance. She looked tired and worn. For a half second, the both stood there, staring at each other.

"You were right." Jane said to me, that winning smile still on her face. I arched an eyebrow at her. I could not help but think, if my child would smile like that, if her eyes would sparkle just the same? My fist began to clench and my jaw rotted. The feeling of anger always starts like this. With my memories.

"Oh?" I started walking back to the elevator, because I just couldn't stand by and watch Jane. I needed to calm my feelings. I saw her walking at my side.

"Yes, there were some geth and Krogan. They wanted T'soni." She said seriously to me. I nodded my head, and we both walked inside the elevator, the way up was slow.

"We had the volcanic activity going of the chards, mind telling me what happened?" I looked at her, as she coughed in her arm and avoided eye contact.

"The doc was trapped by protean barrier, so we couldn't get to her, we had to find alternative." She said, her eyes sparkling as she looked at me.

"And what was the alternative?" I asked. I even was a little afraid to find out. She grinned at me.

"Mining laser." I blinked at her. I could help but roar with laughter. Shepard broke into a wide smile and flashed a broad grin as she walked through the elevator doors. I stopped laugher when we come to the conference room, but I still could help but chuckle.

I shook my head and went inside, I saw everyone already sitting at their places. I looked up at new arrival she was an asari, young, still a maiden, her eyes big and innocent. _What was a kid like her doing out here alone?_

I watched her closely, from the corner of my eyes I saw Shepard taking her place, I stood close and listened.

Joker's voices come out of loud speaker.

"Too close, Commander. Ten more seconds and we would've been swimming in molten sulphur." I could help but grin at this. "The Normandy isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes. They tend to fry our sensor and melt our hull. Just for future reference."

I shook my head at this. "They will be careful next time. Get back to flying."

"We almost died out there and your pilot is making jokes? " Liara said without humor in her voice. I looked at her and shook my head.

"It eases the tension." I simply said. I could believe that this asari was really alone out there. Just how old is she?

"Joker pulled our asses out of there. I think he's earned the right to a few bad jokes." Shepard added, crossing her arms, her face serious. I watched Shepard closely. I know she is tired and worn out.

Shepard didn't let it show. Right now, she must be in control, to show them that she was strong.

"I see. It must be a human thing. I don't have a lot of experience dealing with your species, Commander." Liara nodded her head in understanding. "But I'm grateful to you. You saved my life back there. And not just from volcano. Those geth would have killed me. Or dragged me off to Saren."

My eyes narrowed, my jaw clenched. Saren. So he finally made his move. He is still one step ahead.

"What did Saren want with you? Do you know something about Conduit?" Kaidan Alenko asked, it seems that my talk did do some good. I hope. We don't need any love stuck fool here. That's why she always disciplines her marines. Well maybe if I talk to Shepard….

I shook my head and listened closely to the woman talk. Fifty years? I arched an eyebrow at that? Some would say even amused when Shepard asked how old she really was. A hundred and six.

"Damn! I hope I look that good when I'm your age." Ashley said amusedly back. I looked at Ashley and said.

"You still young, to early thinking about the old age. There is a lot of battle up ahead. Don't worry, I'm sure you will look good at your fifty's. Look at me!" I pointed a finger at myself, winking at Ashley. Who in turn chuckled and smiled.

"Thank you ma'am."

Shepard looked amusedly at me, and I could help but shrug my shoulder at her. From the corner of my eyes I could see a small smile playing on her lips.

"You're still young Captain." She said back with serious face, but I could see humor in her eyes.

"A century may seem like a long time to a short-lived species like yours. But among the asari, I'm barely considered more than a child." Liara explained her age to us. I could help but feel horror; if my child ever left at 16 I would have given her a tongue lashing. Probably locked her up somewhere she won't escape. Just thinking about it gives me chills.

My heart squeezed in my chest again. The pain once again started and soon will anger. I need to get out.

Get out from this room.

Get away from this people.

I could feel the burning anger, the fury inside of me burning like a flame.

I felt the need to kill.

To let my anger out.

To make the pain go away.

I need to make the memories stop.

Why now? Why did I had to remember now?

In front of her.

My vision starting to blur.

Red. Like a mist.

I saw Shepard looking at me from the corner of her eyes.

No.

Not here.

Not now.

I need to go, now.

"Take it from here Commander. I got work that needs to be done."

I turned and marched out of the conference room.

My breathing become hard.

It was hard to breath.

Her face.

Her voice.

Her eyes.

Her smile.

It won't stop hunting me.

Hunting me like a shadow.

Shadow of my own failure.

I failed as a parent.

I'm nothing but a failure.

I marched inside my quarters, and locked my doors.

Then everything turned Red.

* * *

**AN: HEre we go. Onother one up. Thank you ppl, for waiting, and for your reviews. Tell me what you think? Just what is wrong with Ann? Got any hints? *wink wink* Sorry for such late update. I promise to do better. **


	8. Chapter 8

Anger.

She could feel it.

Deep down inside of her.

Always there, waiting to be let out.

Every word stung only fueling the fire burned inside of me.

It's like a poison, screeching a demanded release in the form of unwanted violence.

My fists began to clench and my jaw rooted.

She needs to let it out.

Her room was already messed up; it would take hours to clean it up.

Her hair was as wild as the jungle, untamable and unruly.

Was there any where she could feel at peace?

She could help but back up at the wall, her body shaking.

Why won't those memories leave her?

She never showed this side of her to her friends.

She was always in control of her emotions.

She was a mess.

She took a deep breath, and looked around the room.

This won't do.

She needs to clean the room.

Take her mind of those things.

I stood up and went to work on clearing my room.

Jane was walking towards Ann quarters. After talking with Liara who she couldn't help but feel a little bit naïve and innocent which was a little refreshing she could help but smile.

Right now she was more worried about Ann. Something was going on with the Captain. And she was planning on finding out what it is.

Ann was the one who saved her. After the raid on Mindoir, she couldn't believe that she was still alive. If it wasn't for Ann she probably won't be here.

Ann was like a mother to her. She was always there when she needed her. For god sake she was her guardian when she joined the Alliance.

When she found out she was surprised, yet happy at the same time. She wanted to talk to her about it, but Ann was always busy.

Because of Ann she joined the Alliance. And she was thankful to her more than Ann could ever know.

I sat behind my desk, looking at my lover photo.

I could still remember the first time they meet.

She was young, back then.

Back then she wasn't 'by the rule' book kind of girl.

No, she was arrogant, though she was strong.

_**FlashBack: Earth. **_

_Shoots flow all around her, yet she keep running, her heart was beating so hard that she though it would flow out of her chest, she was tired, and her legs hurt from running, but she can't stop, if she stops she'll die. _

_She jumped over the car and took her cover, she looked around, enemies were everywhere, she cursed, and the mission was a big failure. She should have known. Rage consumes her and she didn't care, if she was going to die then she will take those bastards with her. _

"_DIE YOU SHITHEDS!" _

_Fire everywhere, she could feel bullets all around her, until she saw the mech, she cursed, it was aiming right at her, her shields were failing her, her barriers won't last for long. She swathe mech open fire, and she closed her eyes waiting for her dead. _

_Something was wrong, where was the pain? She opened her eyes, and saw someone standing over her, was that biotic? A barrier of some kind? _

"_You okay kid?" The smooch voice asked her, she looked up at the person, and saw an asari, her blue skin color looked almost like violet in the dark, the white marking on her face like arrows, made her face look dangerous and handsome. Her blue eyes, deep and calm, looked at her, watching her closely. Her dark blue armor looked dark in the night. When her eyes meet the asari's her heart skip a bit in her chest, she couldn't look away from those striking blue eyes. _

"_Hey, You alright?" The asari asked her, she shook her head, and glared at her. She ignored the butterflies in her stomach. _

"_I'm not a kid. And I could have handled them myself!" She sneered back at the blue asari who laughed out loud. Was she making fun of her?_

"_You're a feisty one aren't ya?" She smirked down at her. She could help but blush and bark at her._

"_I didn't ask for your help." _

"_What's your name?" The handsome asari asked her, giving her hand out to help her. She looked at the armored hand, then at those striking blue eyes. Again she felt the butterflies in her stomach. _

"_Ana Nixon, Alliance Corporal." She said trying to still her beating heart. _

"_My name is Serila Le'oni. Commandos. Let's get you outa here Corporal Nixon." _

"_Yeah, let's get outa this pit hole." She took her hand, and got up, she tighter her grip om Serila's hand, for just a moment as they eye meet, green to blue, and something sparkle between them. _

_It was just a handshake, just one long moment, but to her it felt like eternity. _

I smiled at the memory, it was always my favorite.

I smiled sadly at the photo.

"I miss you, my love; tell me what should I do? I feel like I'm losing control of myself, please tell me, give me a sign.''

I stopped, watching, listening for anything, for a sign.

I wonder how many time I done that?

Asking for a sign, yet never receiving one, no matter how many times I asked.

No matter how many time I prayed.

Why does god punish me so?

What did I do to deserve this?

I heard a sound of opening doors to my quarters. I looked up.

Shepard.

She was standing there, her deep blue eyes looking so serious.

Yet something about her was different.

Something….

I looked closely, and for one moment.

One single Moment, I saw not Shepard standing there.

It was Serila.

She stood there looking at me.

My breath cached.

My heart started beating faster.

My hear echoes in my chest.

I couldn't breathe.

Our eyes locked.

I could feel her love in that gaze.

I could feel tears gathering in my eyes.

I blinked.

When I opened my eyes again, she was gone.

In front of me stood Shepard, was this my sign?

Was Serila really here?

Or was that hallucination?

No, I could still feel her presence.

Shepard opened her mouth.

"We need to talk."

I blinked.

Talk.

Was Serila telling me she want me to tell her everything?

Can I really do that?

Can I tell her?

Will I?

I looked at Shepard.

Our eyes locked.

Blue meet's green.

…Yes…

Maybe it's time.

To share.

To let go.

Of the burden.

Of my sorrow.

Of my anger.

Time to stop living in the past.

And start living for the future.

A melancholy smile grazed my lips,

"Yes. Let's talk.''

It's time.

Time to let go of my burden.

Maybe I won't lose it.

Maybe I can share it with someone.

Shepard walked inside my room and sat down on the chair close to my desk.

I opened my mouth and told her.

Told her everything.

About my past.

About my life.

About my home.

About my lover.

About my lost child I loved and lost.

About my burden.

I told her everything. I didn't hold anything back.

I let go of my barriers.

I let her see inside my heart.

The heart that was broken in so many pieces.

I let her see my soul.

I let her see my broken self.

I let her see my sins.

The failure that I was and still am.

Yet the tears keep falling.

Falling into abys.

Into the night.

Let Shepard see, who I really am.

Let her see the Monster that I am.

The failure that I am.

That thing I will always be.

Always.

Now and forever.


End file.
